03 March 2010

Scopin' the Scene or We're All on a Boat Like Leo

When I was younger, I used to be friends with this homeless man named Frank. He lived in my town square and would have me collect leftover food from the dumpster behind the nearest Chinese restaurant. We would sit and eat it together, and he would always say things like, "Never turn your back on an angry hippo!" and "Those damned Frenchies take away all the fun." Sometimes, we had leftovers from our leftovers, and I would carry some food home in wrinkled placemats and my mom would scream and faint. Whenever that happened, my dad let us have breakfast for dinner and play with firecrackers!

...joke. But I did eat Chinese food sometimes. And whenever I went to Chinese restaurants, the placemats would always have the Chinese zodiac on them, with lots of pretty pictures of all the animals. Arriving in the restaurant, I would leap onto my booster seat (I was a smart and agile 3 year old) and I would immediately find the description of the "Year of the Horse."
"Horses have a pleasant, easy going disposition which guarantees popularity and a large following of friends...etc."
"OH EM GEE THAT'S SO ME!!" I would exclaim. My parents would look at me awkwardly, and quietly sip their wonton soup.

Anyway, the point is that I could not help but feel duped when I realized that EVERY SINGLE ONE of my friends was a horse. How can that possibly be specific to me if it applies to every single member of such a diverse group of 1990ers?

And then there's the astrological zodiac. While the concept is a little more believable than the Chinese one, the whole thing is a little bit ridiculous. Horoscopes are designed so that EVERYONE can say, "Wow! That applies to me!" They even have a link for yesterday's horoscope, so everyone can see how the previous day's events were written in the stars. These writers must be undiscovered geniuses, based on the way that they can make these predictions so obviously vague but so utterly appealing.

Angelica Haynes' horoscope, for example, tells her to "explore new horizons." Well, Angelica, you're fulfilling fate even if you just wear a bracelet that is a little crazy, or you try a new spicy food. When are we NOT encouraged to explore new horizons?? Did your teachers ever say to you, "Kids, stay WITHIN the box, and only eat cheerios and ketchup for the rest of your life!"

(Frank used to say that sentence to me a lot, but that's a different story).

MY horoscope today told me that my friends and family would need some words of wisdom from me. How fortuitous that I have a blog!

Wisdom: stop looking up at those stars every once and a while, and make sure you don't trip over life.


A watched pot never boils!


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