Well friends, I'm back! Although it took some prompting (I was held under duress by Cole Parker with a marshmallow gun), I'm glad to be sharing my wisdom with the world once again. I can only hope you've managed to get by in my absence (especially the people who really need my blog: grandmothers, preteen girls, Tibetan monks, UFC fighters, and au pairs).
Happy Valentine's Day! This annual February 14th holiday is, in a word, controversial. The tension in the air is palpable. On the other 364 days of the year (365 days this year!) single people can look at couples with scorn; they can say that they feel liberated and free; they can tell men that they're "whipped" and women that they're "clingy"; they can go on singles cruises; they can walk their cats or tortoises with their heads held high; they can wear really raunchy clothes and brag about nobody caring; they can go skinny dipping with an old woman who says she won the bronze medal in the 100-meter dash in the 1940 Olympics but they're not really sure but they do it anyway because there's no one holding them back and they end up spending the night at the police station explaining why they were found naked with a known art thief in Danny DeVito's pool.
Not today. For this day only, couples rule the world. And single people HATE that. While couples spend February 14th in a happy bubble of champagne, chocolates, and really good sex, single people let their rage flow out in waves that engulf society in a day of anarchy.
Here's an example of a typical Valentine's Day scenario in which members of a law firm are having a lunch meeting:
Bob: I just love--
Karen: YEAH RIGHT. YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR WIFE YOU BASTARD. I SEE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT NICK FROM ACCOUNTING AND I'M NOT BUYING IT. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE ROSES YOU PROBABLY GOT HER AND STICK THEM UP--
Susan: Calm down, Karen.
Karen: oh SHUT UP SUZIE. YOU KNOW WHAT??? I HATE YOUR BOYFRIEND AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS OFFICE. HE LOOKS LIKE A LEMUR AND HE SMELLS A LITTLE BIT LIKE BACON.
Mark: I think you're just stressed Karen.
Karen: STRESSED? HA. I LOVE MY LIFE!!! I'M SO HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT I'M SINGLE AND PROBABLY WILL BE FOR THE FORSEEABLE FUTURE. NO OBLIGATIONS SUCKERS.
(starts foaming at the mouth)
YOU GUYS ARE IN FOR A REAL TREAT. ALL THE PRIX FIXE MENUS IN MANHATTAN COST AT LEAST $120 A HEAD AND I HOPE YOU GO BROKE.
Karen runs out of room through the wall.
Bob: I just love this gnocchi.
All the single ladies (and men), let the couples have their day. They're probably not taunting you (if they are, you'd be perfectly justified in putting laxative in their wine), they are just trying to celebrate their relationship on this one day. Oh, and on their anniversary. And New Year's. And in the oil paint section of Walmart. Wait a second....
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox." -Woody Allen