The Naked Truth or Buy Some Pants

I would like to inform you, reader, that at some Ivy-League schools (let's call them Clown and Bale) they actually have social events in which it is considered acceptable (indeed, it is encouraged!) to show up and immediately strip down to one's barest anatomy. One then spends the entirety of the evening completely unclad, surrounded by others of all shapes and sizes, also declothed. These fun get-togethers are called "naked parties."

Whoever started this tradition should be sent to Alcatraz.

How can anyone EVER feel comfortable or justified in sipping punch while his or her bare hindquarters are pressed against a wall drenched with the sweat of 60+ naked bodies? HOW? What happens if you brush against someone else? What happens if someone gets too excited? The whole thing is simply repulsive.

And I almost forgot. Imagine the DANCING (there we go, just threw up a little bit in my mouth).

I'm certainly not trying to take a moral high ground over those two institutions. Naked parties do occur to some extent at my own university. In fact, I know of an instance where Fiona Canterbury, Allison Hughes, and Lucy Brentwood were all completely naked on the same evening--and they laugh it off as if it is a fond and humorous memory! I have also been witness to biannual mass-streaking, which is only a bit less horrifying because it is over within a matter of minutes. Many, many young minds who have been led astray (including our very own Melanie Wright and Conor Gershwin) have participated in this degenerate tradition.

Public nudity in all its forms is unacceptable. You are NOT making a statement, you are making an eyesore. Naked Cowboy, you are not heroic for standing in the freezing cold of Times Square in your underwear, you are rather a menace to society.

You may think I'm being too harsh on nudity. In fact, I know of very few people who hate it more (although Alvin Cabrera definitely does). I admit that I've had my own very embarrassing run-ins with nakedness. But this epidemic must be nipped in the bud before it spreads too far. Where will it end? Will this be the norm?!

Surrender, nudists. You live in a civilized world. Act like it. Or else you will be forced to wear clothes in the form of tar and feathers.


Call me crazy,

E